“Preparing for second marriage – before tying the knot the second time, it is important to let go of the past. And in case you are a parent, keep children’s interest in mind and help them be better prepared for the change in their life.”
“They got married and lived happily ever after” – this is the phrase with which most of the stories end, but the situation in real life often turns out to be different. Sometimes certain circumstances lead to failed first marriage. Nevertheless, if you are considering a second marriage option, it is important to prepare yourself, more than the first time, before tying the knot.
“Whatever the age – 20’s, 30’s, or 60’s, – there are many issues that need to be addressed if one is considering to remarry. First and foremost, one has to be very sure and clear about reasons before taking this jump; the decisions should never be taken in haste. Take the step slowly towards the new life. Give yourself enough time to deal with the past. At least one needs a year to cope with the death of a spouse or a divorce,” says Parul Khona, a counselor, and psychotherapist. She further advises, “Even if you feel that you have met a person whom you wish to get married to, give some time to know each other. The more you are together, the better understanding you will have about your compatibility. Also, it is better to know your weaknesses and mistakes of the first marriage, so that you don’t repeat them.”
If children are involved there will be more issues that a biological parent has to sort out before remarrying. Do not neglect them; help them cope with an emotional and psychological state, be it released to the deceased parent or separated parent. Make them understand the need for you to remarry; gather their support, and only then take the final decision. A child can have fears and anxiety and cannot easily cope with the new change in the family. Hence, one has to be more cautious while choosing the partner.
Do not force your child to call the stepfather or mother as mom or dad immediately. Give them some time and handle the situation with maturity and love. “I had a 45-year-old client who got remarried to a woman who was 30 years old after his wife passed away. His 18-year old daughter was jealous of the step-mom and stepsister, who was five. The age disparity also mattered. The mother too found it difficult to accept her as the daughter. Post counseling the couple decided to be more patient, understanding and sensitive when dealing with their teenaged daughter,” adds Khona.
Doubts and concerns regarding legal issues, property matters all have to be handled with care. Handle financial aspects be it alimony, rights of your biological children and so on, wisely.
Most importantly, it is crucial to look at new life ahead with a positive attitude. Twenty-nine-year-old Saloni Shah said, “My first marriage lasted for a few months as my husband was an alcoholic. I decided to separate and after three years I married again. Nevertheless, I was quite apprehensive at first. I took a three-month break from my work, traveled a lot, performed yoga, and only when I was mentally prepared I decided to remarry.” According to experts, one needs to learn to build self-confidence and eliminate the anxiety that is common.
-Purnima Goswani Sharma.
TIMES OF INDIA SUNDAY – 03/01/16